A little bit about me… I have spent my whole life wanting to do the best and be the best at anything I placed my hands on. I always felt that I was lacking something though. I grew up an a female dominated house (poor Dad) where I was the middle child of three girls. As this blog experiment goes on, I may reveal more about myself: my thoughts, dreams and wishes, but for now: In my family I always felt like a fish out of water. I was always trying to make other people in it happy and to be the perfect daughter and sister. But no matter what I did, I could never meet expectations. And I forgot about myself, making ME happy.
In 2010, at 25 years of age, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue. The specialist, Dr. Vallings (the only one that knows the intimate details on the subject in New Zealand) told me that in my case, she believed that I suffered an illness during my teenage years that I never truly recovered from, that, on top of Endomentriousis (2 x surgeries) and Hypothyroidism (with goitres, resulting in a total thyroidectomy at 21 year old)
When I was diagnosed, I was working full time (sometimes up to 80 hours a week) and Studying a Dance and Event Management Degree. At this time, I felt the best that I had in ages, I was in a job I loved, and I had found my passion – all I needed to do was finish Uni and I could start my dream career – Working in Event Management (here or overseas) focusing on charity events. But sadly, that was not be… there is still a part of me that mourns that life, and there may always be the case, but I have come to the terms that in order to look after myself – and have children, I needed to cut back on something and at the time, uni and work was it.
It was after my second Endo operation that I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue. To put it simply, everything I have stated above, in addition to me not allowing my body to recover from it’s last surgery was the straw that broke the camels back (so to speak) I was silly enough to think that I could have have my surgery at the beginning of a 3 week holiday from Uni and when I went back for the next semester – start back from where I had finished before the holidays. Now I wasn’t the best of students – I didn’t have the highest marks, but I was getting there. There were some classes I excelled at and others I really had to work on. But I am sure that is the case with most students… Anyway, instead of focusing on the academic side of things that first semester after my surgery, I was attending dance classes left right and centre, working on assignments and reports and of course working full time (remember those 80 hours a week?)
My work began to suffer, and I am embarrassed to admit it, but I really let my class mates down – those that I was doing group assignments with especially.
So, the only answer for it, was to let it all go. Not knowing if I would ever get back there again, I had to leave and look after my health.
I was diagnosed in September 2010, so I took the remainder of that year off to recover, thinking I’d pick up my usual summer job at the pools and then eventually work myself back into work the next year to pay the bills (and my student loan a little) and eventually, maybe when I was well enough I could pick up uni part time and slowly finish my degree that way. But almost 7 years on, it doesn’t look to be the case…
The first year after I was diagnosed, I spent 3 months working (only 15 hours a week) then I would crash and spend 3 months off. I lasted a year at this and knew that I couldn’t continue that way and recover as I was just going round in circles. I was on the sickness benefit, which only was topped up by the 15 hours pay that I got each week. I exhausted all of my savings (that I had been putting away to either pay for my O.E. at the end of uni or my student loan off, THAT was dependant on what job I may have got at the end of my studies – I had it all planned out…) and at the end of the year, my insurance went up by $10. That was the end of it. I had to move home. Back with my parents. And it was not the best thing for me, or our relationship.
In hindsight, I should have just moved into a cheaper flat somewhere closer to home. But I thought I would save more money if I moved back home. I should have known it wasn’t a good idea, when I was given rules on how things where going to be when I moved back home – it was obvious that my parents didn’t know me and wouldn’t support me being sick. It lasted I think, a month before the first argument – and lets just say it got worse from there. Both parties had expectations on how things were going to go; I thought that I could move back home to recover and pace myself. And they probably thought the same thing, but once I got better after a short break, I would soon move back out again. From my perspective, because I didn’t recover as quickly as they wanted me to, or because when I was finally starting to have good days, but would also have a bad energy day thrown in the mix – they couldn’t understand what was going on, and our relationship suffered dearly for it (what good part we had managed to have before that time anyway… but I won’t go into that now…) I could not do the housework as they expected and I was quickly turning into their emotional punching bag once again.
So, at the end of 2012 after two years of being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and living with it, I was not in a good place. I needed a break from my life so I took a road trip and house sat for a few people – that was what I needed to clear my mind about my situation, and during that time, I met my Husband. He saved me from myself, and my Cinderella existence (as he refers to it)
So, here I am – almost 7 years later. Married, with one wonderful little boy living the dream of a life that I didn’t even know I wanted. I know I have missed a fair amount out, but hopefully will eventually get round to filling in the blanks… until then, bare with me as the Mum of a very active Toddler, and still suffering from Chronic Fatigue, this blog is not the top of my priorities… but I hope to fill it in as often as I can.
Not much else to say really. Currently a collection of lists and blog posts… it might eventually turn into something else… but we shall see!