How To: Ignore your Toddler until they go to sleep (new bedtime routine!)

Tonight Toddler was playing up a little, and both my back and wrist have been sore, so I have been unable to lift him up very easily onto this bed. I can do it once, but putting him back to bed over and over again tonight was NOT and option. So, instead of getting wound up about the situation or constantly going out for help from Trusty Grandpa to put Toddler back into bed all the time I decided to adapt to the situation.

Here is how it all went:

  1. Put Toddler to bed
  2. Pull up blankets
  3. Ask them what stories they want to be read
  4. Toddler chooses “Roadworks” “Construction” and “Demolition”
  5. Start to read Roadworks
  6. Halfway through Toddler kicks off the blankets
  7. Pull blankets back on
  8. Toddler kicks them off again and gets out of bed
  9. Ask Toddler to get back into bed
  10. Toddler says “No”
  11. Tell Toddler to get into bed
  12. Toddler ignores me and starts running round the bed like a chicken with their head cut off
  13. Count to three and tell Toddler that story time is over because they aren’t in bed
  14. Toddler still running round room, waving monkey around now
  15. Turn off light and think “Two can play at this game”
  16. Lie down on the bed and ignore Toddler
  17. Toddler finally stops running round the room
  18. Toddler climbs on bed
  19. Toddler gives hug and says “Oh Mum!” (this is his “I love you Mum”)
  20. Give Toddler a hug and ask them if they are ready to get back into bed
  21. Toddler says “No, Monkey Bed!”
  22. Toddler drops Monkey on my face and continues to run around the room
  23. Pick Monkey up and tuck them into bed (make a show of how good monkey is being)
  24. Lie back down
  25. Toddler stops and tries to get my attention “Mum? Mum? MUMMMMMMMM!”
  26. Continue to ignore Toddler
  27. Whip out phone and check FB
  28. Toddler pops head between phone and my face and says “Hi MUM!”
  29. Continue to ignore Toddler
  30. Toddler licks my face
  31. Ignore Toddler
  32. Toddler licks my mouth
  33. Ignore Toddler
  34. Toddler gets their hair brush “Mum! Brush hair”
  35. Toddler tries to brush my hair
  36. Put phone away, collect hair brush off Toddler
  37. Put hair brush away in drawer
  38. Lie back down and ignore Toddler
  39. Toddler opens the curtain
  40. Close curtain from the bed and continue to ignore Toddler
  41. Toddler pushes mattress off the trundler bed
  42. Put mattress back
  43. Toddler opens all the drawers of their dresser
  44. Stand up, close drawers and stand in front of them to prevent Toddler from opening them again
  45. Ignore Toddler
  46. Toddler opens bedroom door and looks for Trusty Grandpa
  47. Trusty Grandpa tells him to get back to bed
  48. Toddler runs back to bedroom
  49. Trusty Grandpa follows and finds me up against the dresser drawers and gives me a funny look
  50. Trusty Grandpa puts Toddler back to bed and walks out
  51. Give Trusty Grandpa a thank you smile and a wave
  52. Toddler says “Mum?”
  53. Kneel down next to Toddler and put hand over their back to calm them
  54. While waiting for Toddler to fall asleep, put glow worm on and do back and leg strengthening exercises along to the music to pass the time
  55. Hear Toddlers breathing relax
  56. Check to see if they are asleep
  57. Meet Toddlers wide eyes, and I kid you not – they wiggle their eyebrows at me while grinning from ear to ear (I love this kid’s sense of humour, but OMG – GO TO SLEEP CHILD!)
  58. Slowly turn head away while struggling (and barely succeeding) to keep a straight face
  59. Once face is in opposite direction, silent laugh with tears running down face
  60. Keep looking away until feel Toddler relax more and breathing becomes slow
  61. Turn head back slightly and use peripheral vision to check if Toddlers eyes are closed (they are)
  62. Look back at Toddler fully and remove hand (so far, so good)
  63. Stand up (Toddler doesn’t stir)
  64. Take a step away
  65. Knee clicks (Oh for the LOVE of…)
  66. Toddler removes thumb from mouth and points to the floor in front of them “Mum.” (eyes remain closed)
  67. Take a step back
  68. Stay standing there until Toddler puts thumb back in mouth, nods and goes back to sleep
  69. Slowly and successfully extract self from the bedroom, holding in laughter until in the lounge
  70. Collapse on the couch in fits of giggles and explain to Trusty Grandpa what he missed out on
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